Jake and a Genuine "Less Than 16 Inch" Montana Trout
So there are no trout bigger than 16 inches in Montana, at least according to one sport attempting to impersonate a fly fisher I ran into a few days ago.
I won’t bore you with all of the conversation; though it is worth noting this encounter has made the top three on my all time strangest interactions in a fly shop list.
Mid last week I popped into a regional fly shop to renew my Texas license; my old one expired and a close call over the holidays convinced me that I needed a renewal even though we’ll be back home before the end of May.
So I walked up to the counter where Shop Guy (SG) was chatting with Sport; Shop Guy looked like any middle-aged fly shop guy. Sport was resplendent in his ‘55 year-0ld trying to look 25’ tennis gear and was clearly annoyed that a customer had arrived to interrupt his chat.
The conversation ran something more or less along these lines just after I handed Shop Guy my expired fishing license and Montana driver’s license….
Me: Hey, just need to renew my fishing license for a few months.
Shop Guy: Well hi de ho, Bozeman, Montana. A real by God Montana fly fisherman, eh?
Me: Well….yea.
Sport: Shit, Montana (dripping with contempt or sarcasm, I wasn’t quite sure). Hell, I fished all over Montana and there isn’t a fish in that whole damn state over 16 inches. I can catch bigger fish in an afternoon on the Guad (reference to Guadalupe river) than in a whole f**kin’ week in Montana.
Me: (Quizzical look with Spock-like eyebrow raise; no response.)
Shop Guy: Laugh.
Sport: Here’s another thing….wild trout can’t grow bigger than 16 inches. It’s too damn cold for them in the winter up there and they can’t get big just eatin’ bugs. I fished all over f’n Montana and never saw a fish bigger than 16 inches. For fish to get bigger they gotta be fed like the fish we put in the Guad.
Me: So where’d you fish up there? And what time of year was it?
Sport: I’ve fished all over that f’n state. Went to all the big name rivers and all we caught was bait fish size trout, maybe one up to 15 inches. (Cue long pause with Sport apparently reaching to activate brain cells that weren’t used to being called to action this early in the day.
…I fished the big name rivers – the ‘Missoura’, the Madison, the ‘Big ‘Ole’ river which wasn’t that big and a creek they called the Beaverhead. And I went at the best of the year – the second or third week of August.
Me: Was it hot? Windy? Maybe a little smokey?
Sport: Shit, by Texas standards it wasn’t that hot, but it was windy as hell on the ‘Missoura’ and there were fires burning and now that I think about it, it was smokey. It sucked. And that weak Montana beer really sucked.
Me: Damn, hate to tell you, but that’s probably one of the worst windows in the season to be fishing up there….and the weak beer, I think you’ve got us confused with Utah.
Shop Guy: Hey, are you one of those Chi Wulff guys?
Sport: What?…You’re one of those f’n Chi Wulff guys who called us whores down here? (Sport now assumed a battle stance and issued as steely-eyed a glare as a pasty white guy in a tennis outfit could muster).
Me: Why yes, I am one of those f’n Chi Wulff guys. And I didn’t called you whores, I was simply paraphrasing Ted Williams and I sorta inferred it.
Sport: You son of a bitch…..
Me: (Lifting license materials off the counter and beginning to back away) You boys have a great day. And next time you’re headed up to Montana, fire me an email and we’ll show you a fish bigger than 16 inches.
Shop Guy: Beat it, I’m not selling you a license today.
Sport: F**k you punk (spoken bravely as I walked out the door and an interesting descriptor as I’m 6’2” and a big guy…).
Amazingly Jake had a very similar conversation with a fly fisher he christened Dr. Dumbass in San Antonio some months back – though Dr. Dumbass suggested that the maximum trout size possible in Montana’s waters was 18 inches.
To be fair, we have met some nifty, talented and gifted fly fishers from Texas, though we hear iterations of how much better it is to fish for stocked hatchery trout on the local waterways than for wild fish on freestone rivers just about every single day. ‘Sport’ sure makes KD look right about his fantasy fly fishing angle from a few weeks ago.
That said, makes you feel sorry for the poor bastard guiding ‘Sport’ on his next outing. Buy your favorite outfitter and guide a beer next time you have a chance; odds are they’ve had more than one ‘Sport’ in their boat or shop this past season and have damn well earned it.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
“If it ain’t raised in a pen, it ain’t worth shit” Texas State Motto!
One of many fine sayings from the Lone Star State. (Dang, Josh, good to hear from you. I was going to post something about Ted Turner the other day just to see if you were still reading the blog now and then….)
I still check in on a regular basis and always appreciate being able to have an adult discussion about issues that are passionate. I bet you didn’t know that Ted is my uncle, well I wish he was so I didn’t have to enslave myself to the 1% all the time. Keep up the good work with the site!
Josh, as always, appreciate your input from a guy working hard on the front lines.
As to Ted being or not being your uncle, we’ll take your word for it. We have a few folks in the family tree we don’t want to openly claim either.
If I only a dime for every time I heard how extraordinary the ‘fly fishing for trophy trout’ on the Guadalupe was during my time on staff at the University of Texas, I’d be able to buy my Montana ranch in Madison or Gallatin county and live the life of Riley.
As a guide in Colorado, I’ve heard countless stories of how much better the fishing is on ‘the Guad’ myself, usually by a guy who couldn’t cast a hopper beyond the sweep of my oar, particularly if the wind was blowing.
Love the diatribe about trout being unable to grow beyond 16 inches (or 18 inches per Dr. Dumbass); I’d venture you could gather a pool of money from industry related folks (mostly guides) and put up a series of billboards around Austin pronouncing the fish on the Guadalupe the biggest in the country. Perhaps that would keep the Sports at home.
And I’d like to buy the first T-shirt you’re making that says ‘I’m a f’n Chi Wulff Guy’.
Jim, the shirt is yours, and it’s on the house. That’s one of the first things we thought about as we giggled about this over a plate of brisket nachos and a margarita.
Unbelievable. He must enjoy fly fishing with corn and marshmallows and I must have imagined all those Bighorn hawgs.
We’re working on a Texas fly package now, but I can’t get the Cheeto to adhere to the hook as durably as I’d like. Apparently one of the very most successful flies around our southern neighborhood is a ‘pellet fly’ – use your imagination. Other great suggestions from the state here.
Jim, love the billboard idea. That would make Austin much more palatable.
Darren, corn and marshmallows. Bleugh. Hats off to the “invisible” Bighorn hogs.
Mark, great post. There are dumbasses everywhere, some places just have a much, much higher concentration.
I’ve only been to Texas a couple of times. I fished several times in northeast New Mexico and found no locals but a crap load of Texans. I asked a guide and he said because Texas doesn’t have any WILD trout. Am wondering if these Texans think that you Montanans photoshop all those 20″ to 24″ fish. Beginning to think they built the fence on the wrong border in Texas, should have built it on the northern border.
Keep up the great work and I’ll take a couple of shirts.
I’m not touching the fence comment but where do we donate?
That fence comment is F-ing funny!
First off. Did he bring his beer with him?
Second. He is right. Not a fish over 16 up here in Montucky. He may as well stay down there.
We would wear those shirts all over the Missoura and the other little fish rivers.
Zach, you have to assume they brought beer up from Utah???
Shirts coming. Dig your site, BTW.
I would say Utah is a safe bet. And thank you. Let us know nest time you are around Missoula. We can get a weak Montana beer.
Thank you very much. Drop us a line next time you are around the Missoula area. We would love to buy those “F’n Chi Wulff Guys” a beer.
16 inchers in Montana? WOW! Sure beats the 12 inch max fish up here in Alberticle (” one half flat, one half verticle”)…..
don’t you Canadian’s measure in centimeters and meters?
Ivan– Only when we’re talking about our “privates”…
Well, that just does it. I don’t know what you all are so upset about. . I think this guy has convinced me to leave life within driving distance of the Kenai and head back down to Texas where fish are as big as the hair and trucks! Now that seems a real fishery worth fighting for!
Yep, you’re right. Bristol Bay can take of itself, eh? Somehow I think you’d get into trouble down here faster than we have.
Ha! You calling me a trouble maker? Well, I guess I do enjoy a bit of rabble rousin’!
That’s crazy! I’m glad you made it out safely. Jake told me about it on our last shift together. Kind of makes it difficult to want to go to said shop.
Oh…and just to let you know. The GRTU members only forum is a buzz over the “Spawning activity” being seen on the “gaud” so not only are our fish bigger and more abundant they are also now wild.
So SUCK IT everywhere else…
Winston
( I’m A: poking fun and B: stirring the pot a little/a lot)
I’m in my sixties now, I remember when I was in my twenties. There was a lot of spawning going on then too. Some in the river and a bunch out of the river. Not a lot of prodigy though, more fun than anything else. If the ratio stays the same good luck. You might have a couple of wild trout.
Stirring the pot some more and be careful mentioning pot to a Californian. Some of Californians are trying do away with beer and legalize the other stuff.
Winston, you’ve just broken a sacred pledge and are now at risk of undergoing a fly fishing court-martial of the highest order.
In all honesty it’s critically scientifically notable, maybe even miraculous, that a spring spawning salminoid, which typically spawns anywhere from March through June pending location and water conditions, has chosen to miraculously spawn in the turbid waters of the Guadalupe during a particularly mild and low water flow January.
This may be a miracle of the order of the invention of Dr. Pepper, Fritos or even Cheetos – all of which were also spawned in the great state of Texas.
Frankly I wish was back in town to shake your hand, buy you a beer and go fish for the genuine trophies of ‘the Guad’ – the big stripers than inhabit a few of the deeper holes and runs.
Watch your top knot and you might want to stop hanging around these f’n Chi Wulff guys, I fear they are a bad influence.
On the other hand, I guess if I had spent my entire life in a concrete hatchery runway eating Purina Trout Chow twice a day, once I was dumped out in a river that somehow seemed wildly different from what my genetic programming called for I’d simply have sex and die too.
Perhaps the most epic Chi Wulff comment ever.
Most definitely the most epic Chi Wulff comment ever.
from personal experience, it doesn’t take a skilled angler (me) to catch a trout above 16″ in Montana. I can only imagine how skilled Shop Guy is with a fly rod.
If Dr. Dumbass and this guy mate and have a baby, make sure you tell them to avoid Maine as well as Montana on their first family vacation…we have no native brook trout here at all.
If they did mate that would that count as spawning activity?
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